Ahh, Jamaica, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 1- You’re sunny and warm. 2- You have a swim up bar. Well, that’s good enough for me. My bags are packed.
The Iberostar Rose Hall Beach resort, just outside of Montego Bay, is a wallet-friendly option for anyone who’s looking for a quick getaway during the winter. A beach view room was about $200/night for just me (I think it was about $250/night for double occupancy). That’s not a bad price, considering it’s all-inclusive. Throw in flights from DC and a shared shuttle to the property ($10 each way), and I had a 4 day/ 3 night getaway for under $1,100. Not dirt cheap, but it’s not too bad when the winter hits hard and you need to dig yourself out from under the snow. Of course, we’re having an unseasonably warm winter in DC this year, so when I left it was around 50 degrees. But who cares? I was in Jamaica, mon.
My incoming flight landed at 11:20A and I was at the property by 12:30P including having a 20 minute wait at the airport. Because I didn’t learn from my Costa Rica experience, I got a couple of beers at the airport bar for $6 each, despite the fact that I was going to an all-inclusive resort with free booze. There’s just something about standing around airports that makes me want to drink. It’s almost pathological. And speaking of waiting at the airport, for my return trip, the Jamaica Tours shared shuttle service that I used picked me up at the property at 12:30P for a 4:40P flight. Part of that time was spent going to other properties and getting more people for the van, but I ended up spending a bit of time at the airport doing nothing. I think I had well over 2 hours to kill at the gate before my flight boarded. There’s some good people watching at the Montego Bay airport, though, so it’s not too bad. White people with dreadlocks and beads in their hair, more Hawaiian print shirts than I could count, and of course fat guys in muscle shirts with duty-free bottles of rum. But my point is that, if you’re going to use Jamaica Tours to get back to the airport, plan on having them pick you up at least 3 hours before your flight.
The Iberostar Rose Hall Beach property is one of three Iberostar Rose Hall properties, all adjacent to each other on the beach. Iberostar Rose Hall Beach is the lower end, with Iberostar Rose Hall Suites and Iberostar Grand Rose Hall being a little nicer. If you stay in a nicer property, you can take advantage of the facilities at the lower properties, but not the other way around. I guess they don’t want us plebians mixing with the fancy folks. Iberostar Rose Hall Beach is a relatively small property by itself; you can do a full tour of it in about 30 minutes without any trouble. There’s one buffet restaurant that serves all 3 meals, one snack bar during the day that doubles as a steak restaurant at night, and 2 other a la carte restaurants. In case that’s not enough, there’s also room service that runs a little later than the restaurants are open. There’s one large pool with a swim up bar, and a strip of beach. Thats about it. If you hit the beach and turn left, you pass the other Iberostar properties. If you turn right, there’s a really nice pier, the gazebo where they perform weddings, and a couple of security guards by the fence. On the other side of the fence is a shanty town. It is Jamaica, after all. You can’t see it from the property, but if you go out on the pier, you can see how the other half lives, and it does put a little damper on the overall mood. But then you turn and face the other way and promply forget about it. You’re on vacation. No need for any of that depressing crap! There are also a few cats roaming the property, along with 2 adorable kittens. I stood and watched them play for about 10 minutes while I was on my way to lunch one day. If you’re into beach walking, you can do the entire beach and back in about 30 minutes, but it’s a nice way to get “exercise” before you hit the pool and start drinking. They also have random contests at the pool at 4P, so if you’re feeling like getting into some fun, that’s an option. The prize is a bottle of Appleton Estates rum, which sells at the duty free for about $20. Not a huge prize, especially since you can drink it for free at the bar, but it’s still fun to compete and get goofy.
A few things to note about the Iberostar Rose Hall Beach property. The information that you find on their website or printed in their welcome packet doesn’t always line up with what they tell you or what actually happens. Things like restaurant hours, pool hours, etc, vary depending on the source of the information. But hey, it’s Jamaica; stop stressing about the time. Except during checkin. Their website says that they don’t allow checkin before 3:00P. I got to the property at 12:30P (gotta love those pre-dawn JetBlue flights), and they gave me my welcome packet but no room key. I was free to roam the property, eat and drink and swim to my heart’s content, but I couldn’t actually go to my room to unpack and relax. They told me to come back at 3:00P for my room key. A friend of mine checked in around 2:15P and was told the same thing. So don’t plan on landing at Montego Bay before 2:00P, otherwise you’ll have to wait when you get to the property. It’s not bad, but it’s awkward to sit at the bar with your backpack because you don’t want to leave it in the lobby.
As you may remember from my Costa Rica experience, I’m a mosquito magnet. There were two in the room when I checked in, probably because of the torn screen door leading to the patio. I managed to kill one on my first evening, but the other eluded me (and took revenge on me for the next 3 days) until I got him on the morning that I left. I should buy stock in AfterBite. Another thing to remember is that “beach view” is not the same as “beach front.” We all know that, but I managed to forget that detail when I booked my room, so while I could see the ocean from my room, there was also a lot of other crap in the way. On the plus side, my room (2301, if you want to request it) was right above and next to the lobby, so I got free wifi from the lobby instead of having to pay extra for it (score!). Strangely, the A/C controls in the room didn’t seem to control much. The room was freezing when I checked in, and adjusting the settings didn’t help. It wasn’t too bad, since the only time I was in the room was to either cool off from the sun or to get some sleep. However, when the room is so cold that you start humming Do You Want To Build A Snowman, it might be a little much.
And for the part that we’re all waiting for: Bars. There are 3 stand-alone bars on the property. One in the lobby, one in the pool and the third is on the beach. The beach bar got the least traffic overall, so if you’re in a hurry to get drunk, that’s your spot. The pool bar got the most action during the day, the lobby bar got the traffic in the evening after the pool bar closed. You don’t have to tip, but they appreciate it. If the bar is busy, slipping the guy a few bucks will probably get your drink filled a little quicker and maybe a little more booze in your drinks. I read an article a few years ago that said that $2 bills are relatively rare in the Caribbean, so if you tip with those, they have a perceived value of more than $2. I don’t know how accurate that is, but I know that the guys that I gave them to seemed to be amused by them. So it may be worth trying. Even if you don’t use them there, they’re fun to use at Taco Bell or McDonald’s when you get back home. The 15 year old kid behind the counter doesn’t have a slot for them in the drawer, so they get all confused. It’s pretty funny, and well worth the hassle of going to the bank and getting them. And, while you’re at the bar, ask for a dirty banana. It’s a blended drink with banana, rum, and coffee liquor. It’s really tasty, very Caribbean, and doesn’t pack too much of a punch unless you get extra rum. So make sure you ask for a dirty banana. However, if you’re walking down the street in DC and a homeless guy offers you a dirty banana, it’s probably not the same thing. I’d advise you to not take it.
Overall the Iberostar Rose Hall Beach was a nice property. Clean, inexpensive, and the staff was very friendly (watch out for the VIP upsell). I don’t think it’s someplace I’d plan to go again, but if a group of friends were going, I’d be on board. I’d just need to pack extra insect repellant and more $2 bills.
