I knew I was in trouble when the trainer told me to jog for 5 minutes. I don’t jog. I’ve always hated running in whatever form, and I was even relieved over 20 years ago when I injured my knee in the Army, preventing me from running again. But, since I was here, and since I was paying this guy to train me, I might as well jog. So jog, I did. Slowly.
I was at Evolution Boxing Gym in Chiang Mai, Thailand, taking a private lesson in muay thai, or Thai kickboxing. Have you ever seen the movie Kickboxer with Jean-Claude Van Damme? That’s the same stuff. We didn’t go as far as wrapping our hands in broken glass, but that may be in the next class.
I got to the school shortly after 11:00 AM and walked up to the counter. There was a small matted area with 4 heavy bags hanging from the ceiling to my left. Next to that was an empty training ring. There was nobody around, but I could hear a rhythmic swooshing coming from around the corner, so I decided to wait for a minute and read the leaflet on the counter. Eventually, a woman holding a broom came around the corner and greeted me. I showed her the brochure and told her that I was interested in taking a class. She held up a finger and said, “Wait.” She got on her cell phone and spoke to someone in Thai for a minute or two and hung up. Then she called someone on the landline and spoke for another minute or two. When she hung up, she looked at me and said, “Five minutes.” OK, I guess someone was going to call back in a few minutes to help with the translation. I found a seat and proceeded to surf the internet on my phone.
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Evolution Muay Thai gym. Spartan, but it has everything you need, and then some. |
A few minutes later, a young man burst through the door, panting slightly. He greeted me, then turned to the woman and spoke in rapid Thai, before turning back to me and introducing himself. Apparently he wasn’t the translator; he was the instructor. He introduced himself as A (or Eh, I guess?) and bowed again. I gave him my name and money, and he pointed me to the locker room to change. They don’t mess around with dojo rules or legal disclaimers or anything like that. If you show up and want to train, they assume that you know what you’re in for, so they are happy to teach you.
Promptly at 11:30 AM, we started. A little stretching, a light jog, and we got into shadowboxing. During stretching, Eh had asked if I’d trained before, and I told him that I’d done a little kickboxing when I was younger, so he wanted to see what I knew. My training was years in the past, so I couldn’t remember much, but I threw a few punches and even tried to throw an elbow, although it didn’t feel natural and probably looked worse. After a few 3 minute rounds of shadowboxing, he wrapped my hands and I put gloves on. We got in the ring, with him holding pads and we started working on combinations. Between his accent, his limited English, the fact that I was rapidly getting tired, and my lack of familiarity with some of the techniques, I made a mess of things; consistently throwing punches with the wrong hand, and being way off balance for the kicks and knee strikes. Several times, he threw a slow punch or a very slow kick to remind me to keep my guard up, almost all of which slipped past my defenses and hit me. He’d give me corrective instructions, but his limited English forced him to switch back to Thai frequently, which didn’t help me at all. But I tried to mimic what I saw him doing, which seemed to appease him. After a round or two, he asked me if I smoked. I assume he was trying to figure out why I was so winded. I thought about saying yes just so I’d have an excuse, but I’m sure that lying to your sensei is an offense that ranks pretty high up there, so I had to admit to him that no, I don’t smoke. I’m just out of shape.
When I started, I thought the class was 30 minutes, and I had started counting down the minutes when Eh had me jogging. By minute 20, I was beat. By minute 28, I was mentally taking off my gloves and looking forward to a cold beer. Around minute 32, I thought about calling Eh’s attention to the clock on the wall. Minute 40 had me wondering if I was delirious and not able to read the clock properly. I finally threw in the towel about 45 minutes in, telling Eh that I was done. He asked if I was sure, and I assured him that yes, I was done. I took off the gloves and wraps, and he had me stretch out for a few minutes, which in hindsight was a really good idea. Partway through stretching he said that I should stretch out the next morning. After watching me stretch for a few more moments, he said, “Also stretch tonight. You stretch tonight.” Apparently I need to stretch more.
I was nervous when I walked into the school, knowing that it would be tough and that my cardio conditioning leaves much to be desired. But training muay thai in Thailand is a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I had to take advantage of it. And you never see any overweight kickboxers, so I figured that it would be a good way to lose some weight. If nothing else, losing my belly may make it easier for me to touch my toes next time.
